An older lady gets pulled over for speeding…

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please? 

Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: Don’ t have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can’t do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, would you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Monastery Life

A young monk arrives at the monastery.  He is assigned to helping the other
monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from
the original manuscript.  So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question
this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it
would never be picked up !   In fact, that error would be continued in all of
the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries,
but you make a good point, my son.”

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original
manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for
hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him
banging his head against the wall and wailing,  “We missed the ” R ” ! ,  we
missed the ” R ” !”

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, “What’s wrong father ?”

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies,
“The word was . . . CELEBRATE !”

– Author Unknown

Hang on to any of the new Missouri Quarters.  If you have them, they may be
worth much more than 25 cents.

The US Mint announced today that it is recalling all of the Missouri
quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.
This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters will
not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones or any
other coin operated devices.  The problem lies in the unique design of the
Missouri quarter, which was designed by a team of Ozark Mountain
specialists.  Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel
together keeps jamming up the machines.