Monastery Life

A young monk arrives at the monastery.  He is assigned to helping the other
monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from
the original manuscript.  So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question
this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it
would never be picked up !   In fact, that error would be continued in all of
the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries,
but you make a good point, my son.”

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original
manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for
hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him
banging his head against the wall and wailing,  “We missed the ” R ” ! ,  we
missed the ” R ” !”

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, “What’s wrong father ?”

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies,
“The word was . . . CELEBRATE !”

– Author Unknown

Hang on to any of the new Missouri Quarters.  If you have them, they may be
worth much more than 25 cents.

The US Mint announced today that it is recalling all of the Missouri
quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.
This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters will
not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones or any
other coin operated devices.  The problem lies in the unique design of the
Missouri quarter, which was designed by a team of Ozark Mountain
specialists.  Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel
together keeps jamming up the machines.

One-wish Genie

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman
asked if she got three wishes.

The genie said, “Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook
myth.  I’m a one-wish genie. So…What’ll it be?”

The woman did not hesitate. She said, “I want peace in the Middle East.
See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other
and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and
vice-versa.

It will bring about world peace and harmony.”

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, “Lady, please be
reasonable.

These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I’m out of
shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I’m good, but
not THAT good! I don’t think it can be done. Make another wish and
please
be reasonable.”

The woman thought for a minute and said, “Well, I’ve never been able
to find the right man. You know – one that’s considerate and fun, likes
to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed and gets
along with my family, doesn’t watch sports all the time, and is
faithful.  That is what I wish for……….a good man.”

The genie let out a sigh and said, “Let me see the freaking map
again.”

For everyone who has ever had an evaluation – just remember, it could have
been worse. These are actual quotes taken from federal government employee
performance evaluations.

1. “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has
started to dig.”
2. “I would not allow this employee to breed.”
3. “This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definite won’t be.”
4. “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap.”
5. “When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.”
6. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”
7. “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them.”
8. “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”
9. “This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better.”
10. “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
together.”
11. “A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”
12. “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”
14. “I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”
15. “He’s been working with glue too much.”
16. “He would argue with a signpost.”
17. “He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”
18. “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”
19. “If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other
one.”
20. “A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”
21. “A prime candidate for natural de-selection.”
22. “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”
23. “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t
coming.”
24. “He’s got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking
for it.”
25. “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”
26. “If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”
27. “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.”
28. “It’s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.”
29. “One neuron short of a synapse.”
30. “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.”
31. “Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes.”
32. “The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Three aspiring psychiatrists, from three leading universities, were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

“Just to establish some parameters,” said the professor to the student from UCLA, “What is the opposite of joy?”

“Sadness” said the student.

“And the opposite of depression?” he asked the young lady from Clemson.

“Elation,” she said.

“And you, sir,” he said to the student from Texas A&M, “How about the opposite of woe?”

The Texas A&M student replied, “Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up”.

Question: How many members of the Bush Administration does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: TEN.
1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;

2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed;

3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;

4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the light bulb or for eternal darkness;

5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for a new light bulb;

6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor and standing on a step ladder, under the banner “Bulb Accomplished”;

7. One administration insider to resign and in detail reveal how Bush was literally “in the dark” the whole time;

8. Another one to viciously smear # 7;

9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light bulb-changing policy all along;

10. And finally, one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing in a light bulb and screwing the country.

And after all is said and done, no one will notice that they never actually managed to change the light bulb.

Pass this on. Help cure Mad Cowboy Disease.

Two planets meet.

Planet 1: “How are you doing?”

Planet 2: “Not so well.”

Planet 1: “What’s wrong?”

Planet 2: “I’ve got man.”

Planet 1: “What do you mean?”

Planet 2: “I’ve got all these people poluting the air, water, etc.  Using up all the resources…etc.”

Planet1: “Don’t worry.  It goes away.”

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