“Outrage today from many  Americans, especially the gay ones, over
comments made by General Peter Pace,  the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs
of Staff. He said he believes homosexuality is  immoral. The general
went on to say that allowing immorality in the armed forces  could
distract our troops from killing.”
–Jimmy Kimmel

“Rudy  Giuliani has defended Newt  Gingrich, saying it’s okay Newt had
an affair and that no one is perfect. That’s  when you know the
Republicans are in trouble — when a guy with three marriages  and an
affair is defending the guy with three marriages and two affairs, so
they  can team up and beat a Clinton.” –Jay Leno

“You see all those people  protesting while President Bush was in
South America? Bush hasn’t heard that  many people shouting ‘Gringo go
home’ since his last trip to L.A.” –Jay  Leno

“Thirty towns in Vermont have voted to impeach President Bush, but 
Bush says he doesn’t care what a bunch of Canadians think.”
–Jay  Leno

“Nebraska Senator Chuck Hagel — he’s a Republican
— called a press
conference to announce he’ll be making a decision about running for
president sometime later in the year. So, he called a press conference
to say maybe later  in the year he’s going to say something important.
This is the kind of bold, decisive leadership this country needs.”
–Jay Leno

“People are saying  Scooter Libby is taking the fall for Cheney.
Personally, I think Libby got off  easy — usually when you take one
for Cheney, it’s a shot in the face” –Jay  Leno

“Beautiful, beautiful day in New York City. … It was so nice that 
Ann Coulter was insulting gays in the park.” –David Letterman

“After  visiting Guatemala, Bush flew to Mexico.
There was an awkward moment
when Bush  greeted the Mexicans by saying, ‘Hello future
Californians.'”
–Conan  O’Brien

“Scooter Libby was found guilt of perjury, obstruction, and  making
false statements — or, as the White House calls it, a press
conference.”  –Bill Maher

“The president is … on a five-nation tour of Latin  America. A lot
of people are saying while he’s below the border, what a great  time
to build that wall.” –Bill Maher

“To give you an idea of how  popular Bush is not …
in South America, he’s
going to visit on Monday the  sacred Mayan ruins, and after he leaves
the Mayan priests are going to perform a  purification ceremony … to
get rid of the bad spirits. … And if it works  there, they’re going
to try it in Iraq, New Orleans, Guantanamo Bay, Ground Zero  and the
atmosphere of the planet Earth.”
–Bill Maher

“While he was  there, Bush did an interview with the Brazilian press
and he said the most  difficult decision a president could ever make
is sending troops into harm’s  way. But enough about Walter Reed.”
–Bill Maher

“Obviously, this has  come at a bad time for the White House. Usually,
you want the conviction of a  high-ranking official and the
veterans-sleeping-in-moldy-rat-holes stories on different days.” –Jon